Thursday, May 15, 2008

Glancing in the rear view mirror.

I was going through some journals and I found something I wrote a little under a year ago...It's not great, but it just hit me in the gut. I still feel so much the same as I did the very moment I wrote this, even with how much I've grown and changed.

I peeked out between my fingers as I spun making sure I was going fast enough. Closing them tight I spun faster feeling my dress twirl out around me. Maybe if I spun fast enough it would change. My orange walls would go back to being white, my blond hair would go back to being brown, I would shrink a few inches and the gap between my two front teeth would come back. If was lucky maybe my scars would disappear and I would feel safe again. Faster and faster; my feet started to burn from spinning on the floor for so long. Mustering up my strength I stopped suddenly and tore my hands away from my eyes.

My walls were still orange. Nothing in me had shrunk, disappeared or reappeared. I was still 16, still lost, still confused, still hurt, and still desperate for something.

Something safe, secure, and familiar.

I closed my eyes tight and shook my head violently hoping for a different result.

Everything remained as it was before.

Nothing could change it, no games or wishes.

My world, crashed.


Katie said...

When I was younger sometimes I would go to bed praying that something would be drastically, and of course unrealistically, different when I would wake up. Of course it never was and I always felt a little let down by my unanswered request for a miracle.

I suppose that's something I never admitted aloud before.

Anonymous said...

Eliza, you can't switch blog sites and not inform anyone... I was wondering why i hadn't seen anything since you got back from Thailand and now i feel stupid for seeing that it took me a very long time to realize it.

johnQIII said...


Wonderfully written. The way you portary the time and your feelings remind me of a great book I have been reading by Anne Lamott called bird by bird.

Em Williams said...

I can't think of anything to add (: