Monday, November 3, 2008

All I need

So it's been a long time since I last wrote, but that's okay.

College is going very well. I absolutely love it here and have made so many amazing friends and have developed such beautiful, God centered relationships it literally brings tears to my eyes to talk about how blessed I am by the people here. They are simply amazing, beautiful, encouraging, Godly people. My classes are challenging, and I'm trying my hardest to keep up as best as I can with them.

I love my life here, and am definitely the happiest I have been in years. Even with all of that though, I am still definitely being challenged. I'm being stretched and pulled in all sorts of directions: to trust, to believe, to love, to be patient, to have faith, to persevere, to be still and know that He is in control.

Lots of new developments have come into play in my life since I've gotten here; things from this new chapter of my life, and story lines from the previous ones seeping through. Being the type of person I am, I don't deal with anything as it comes, instead I just bottle it up and try to hide it in the back of my head. Consequently all of these stored emotions have been bursting out in waves, and it's all I can do to keep smiling at my friends and participating in class. Life has a tendency to all be so very overwhelming and I don't know what to do, how to handle it, how to process it. So I just keep bottling it up and pushing it back as much as I can.

These past two weeks though that hasn't been working out so well and I've been having a very hard time. I laid in my bed last night staring blankly at my open bible, wishing some scripture would just jump out and give me an answer to this dull ache I've found to be constantly hovering over my heart. I tossed the pages back and forth skimming randomly, trying to find some verse that spoke about stress, anxiety, hurt, trust, faith. Nothing jumped out at me and I was feeling very frustrated. I started praying asking God to take away the aches, the confusion. I continued to just pray, asking God for things. Give me this, give me that, take away this, fix that, make me happy. Me me me me me. Give give give give. Make ME happy. Make ME fixed. Make ME whole. And it hit me. Why do I just whine so much? Why do I always go to God when I'm hurt? When I feel lost and confused? Why do I always complain to him about what's going wrong instead of thanking Him for all that is good and right in my life? Because let me tell you, there is ALOT for me to be thankful for, and yet I rarely ever actually thank Him. I'll praise Him, but usually only when He's recently done something for me.

...Really? How selfish can I be?

Right there and then I got up and turned on praise music and just sang. I stood in the middle of my dorm room and just sang praise and thanks and that burden was lifted.

What on earth took me so long to do that? God has given me so much in my life! He has blessed me so much and has taken care of me continuously, no matter how many times I screw up, He loves me at all times, and He is constantly giving. Yet that's never good enough for me. I feel one little prick of pain and I come whining to him, begging for the healing to my pain and the reason behind it. I think that if I were to praise God and thank Him for all that is good in my life, I wouldn't be able to feel the most excruciating pain. Because lets face it. I'm 17, I'm in a private college which my parents pay for, my parents are still married, were both very loving and supportive my entire childhood, and I have never been left wanting for anything in my life. God has been so good to me. My life is beautiful and it is blessed by Him and I am so incredibly amazed by God's grace to me. Even with the many different pains I have had in my life, they pale in comparison to the joys He has given me. I just need to focus on that.

All I Need, by Shawn McDonald

As I sit here and think
About all that You've done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I'm trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You're so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near
Won't You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me
All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
And I need Your love to carry me by, by, by, by, by
To carry me by, by, by, by, by
To carry me by
And I lay down my life
And I put it before You
All that I am is in your hands
And I’m not gonna question why you’re so faithful
Why that You give me the blessings that You have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown
To lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything

Saturday, September 6, 2008

...I'm a big girl now?

On August 29th I woke up at 4 in the morning, wide awake. I hadn't been able to fall asleep until approximately 1:30 AM. I had butterflies in my stomach, my legs were restless and my mind was racing.

I was leaving for college in 4 hours.

Yes, that's right. College. 4 hours. Me, Eliza Ray Jarvis. I was actually going to college.

After a very long, draining, difficult summer, I was finally on my way to start a new chapter--heck, a whole new plot--in my life. Since May I had been waiting for this day anxiously, counting down the days and preparing. I was excited for a few reasons. I was going to start working on doing what I feel I'm called to do, I was going to be taught invaluable lessons by professors, friends, RAs, and God. I was going to meet knew people, make new friends. And one of the scariest, yet most exhilirating things:

I was starting fresh.

It's not that I wouldn't be able to learn things in Rochester. It's not that I don't love my friends and family there, and it's most definitely not that God isn't there. That's not why I was leaving, that's not why I needed this new start. At home I felt as if my past had me bound and gagged. I couldn't break free from it. If I started, I had so many chains wrapped around my feet that I could never walk very far away from it. It was frustrating, to say the very least. Because I really and truly do want to change, I want to break free of that part of my life because it is exactly what I called it. My past.

And so I arrived at my college campus. I met my roommates (who are simply wonderful), I met my RA (again, simply wonderful) and I met amazing friends within the first day. I am so unbelievably thankful I am here, and I am so, so happy. Yet there was still one thing I didn't count on.

My past? It's still there. It's still a part of me. It's almost as if it's sitting on the sidelines, shouting at me, reminding me of why I can't do this, why I shouldn't, why I'm worthless and a failure. When I realized this, I was pretty bummed about it. I knew I would still have to work hard at getting over problems from my past, but I thought it would be so much easier than this. Looking at my friends, they make it seem as though they have it all worked out, it's all effortless.

Then last night I was coloring with three of my friends (yes, college students color. ...Even on a friday night, hahaha) when a friend came excitedly out of another friends dorm, telling us that we had to listen to something amazing. So the three of us dropped what we were doing and walked down to the dorm room. Sitting there were to boys that I had met previously but really didn't know anything about other than their faces and their names. One was sitting at a keyboard, the other on a chair holding his electric guitar. The piano player began to explain how he came to Houghton to grow closer to God, to move away from his past...and basically just started speaking MY story...but in his translation. Yet there was a key difference. He spoke about how he knew only God could change things, how he couldn't do anything...I on the other hand, wanted to do it all by myself. How? By simply pushing it out of my memory.

Yeah, smart, I know.

After the little opening explanation, they began to play a song they had just written a few minutes before...and it was simply beautiful. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I listened to the heartfelt lyrics about letting go, and handing everything over to God. I looked around the dorm we had all squished into, and to my surprise, everyone was having the same reaction. That's when I realized that I'm not the only one who has things they need to let go of. Each one of us has a wound that needs to be healed, or something we need to hand over to God. It was such a powerful moment for me to realize that I wasn't alone in the struggle I was facing. Not only did I have these amazing people...I have an even more amazing God. And with Him, I can leave those things of my past behind me. I can walk away.

The lyrics:

I come before You now, With no words to say.
Nothing left to speak. Just bringing me
I’m pouring out my heart. I’m emptying myself
Make me a vessel, Ready to be used by you.

Come and fill me up with your Holy Spirit
I want to be used by you
I give my life into Your hands.

My life has been a wreck. I’ve been selfish and self-serving
But I ask You to take this mess. Though I am undeserving make me new Lord.
I am pouring out my heart. I’m emptying myself
I want to be used by You

Come and fill me up with your Holy Spirit
I want to be used by You
I give my life into your hands
Come and fill my life with your grace and mercy
Cleanse be from my sin
I give my life into your hands

I come before the cross. To lay down my burdens
Dying to myself, living for Your name.
I’m taking up my cross. I sacrifice myself
I want to live a life bringing glory to your name

Come and fill me up with your Holy Spirit
I want to be used by You
I give my life into your hands
Come and fill my life with your grace and mercy
Cleanse me from my sin
I give my life into Your hands

-By Jordan Barnum

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I am still running.

I would be lying blatantly to you if I told you I've been doing well these past few months.

I've been putting myself first, and God last. I came to a point where I seriously questioned why I was still fighting and pushing forward. What the point of it was, if it would really make a difference, if I really wanted to even bother.

As I was telling a friend this they told me that I needed to decide. I can't keep wobbling back and forth. I need to make the choice every single day. I need to realize what it is in life that I'm here for, what it is in life that I want, what that risks, what that takes away, what that gives me, etc. At first I struggled with that, because I really still am not sure what I'm really here for or what I want out of life. But I understood what the basic premise of it. So I decided to keep on stumbling around, in hopes that I would eventually figure it out.

I was babysitting for my sister recently after that talk and suddenly for no apparent reason as I was in the kitchen getting some snacks for the kids I literally collapsed into tears. They were all happily oblivious as they watched Scooby Doo (sorry Katie!) in the living room, as their aunt--who was supposed to be taking care of them--was curled up in a ball in front of the refrigerator bawling for no reason. Nora eventually grew impatient and came to see what on earth was taking me so long to get her yogurt. When she saw me her face immediately changed from irritated to sympathetic. "What's wrong?" I laughed, sniffed, and said "I don't know princess. I just don't know." She sat down by my feet and placed her hand on my ankle and tried to comfort me. I felt ridiculous and childish, and hated that my niece saw me like that. I hated that I couldn't keep a solid grip on myself in front of the kids. I wanted desperately to be the strong, happy, fun aunt. Not the aunt who breaks down periodically for no real apparent reason.

That situation really just kind of summed up how I've been feeling internally for so long. I've felt too weak to hold myself up. I've wanted to cry so many times and yet surprisingly hardly have. I've been weak, tired, sad, and lonely. And I just continually asked myself what was I doing it for? What was I continuing with all of these struggles in my life for? I realize now that it's a horribly selfish question, but at the time it was one that I couldn't get out of my head.

A few days after all of that, I was going through some photos from Peru and Thailand.

"Do it for them." I heard it in my heart with every picture of the villagers and children that I looked through. Then I came to a picture of my niece and myself. "Do it for her." My entire heart just ached, like it does now. Tears were stinging my eyes, like they are now. It literally pains me that I've been this selfish. That I actually have questioned God's purpose for putting me here.

I'm so happy to say that I'm no longer questioning it.

I'm simply doing it.

I'm doing it for them:

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Such games of tug o' war.

I've been thinking about posting for a while, but I never can find the words to say. Or the subject to talk about.

Life has been full of up and downs. Mainly being that my grandfather passed away on June 1st. It was very hard, but in all honesty it was a blessing for him. He was very ill. Still, that didn't make his passing any easier.

Lately I've just found myself in the middle of such a struggle between my heart and my head. My heart will ache for something desperately, but I'll talk myself out of it. I'll know one thing in my head, but my heart screams something else. It's draining, to say the least.

And so that's been the extent of my focus this past month, trying to decide what to listen to. Which side is real, which is fake. Which is right, which is wrong...What I really want. What do I really want? I know that none of this should be consuming my time, I should be devoting it to other things...God, family....and yet, in spite of knowing that, I still can't get myself to focus on what I know I should. So I'm stuck in a series of melancholy, foggy days.

So that's really all I have to write, unfortunately it's not anything particularely inspiring, uplifting, or even just interesting. I just figured I'd let you know I am in fact alive.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Glancing in the rear view mirror.

I was going through some journals and I found something I wrote a little under a year ago...It's not great, but it just hit me in the gut. I still feel so much the same as I did the very moment I wrote this, even with how much I've grown and changed.

I peeked out between my fingers as I spun making sure I was going fast enough. Closing them tight I spun faster feeling my dress twirl out around me. Maybe if I spun fast enough it would change. My orange walls would go back to being white, my blond hair would go back to being brown, I would shrink a few inches and the gap between my two front teeth would come back. If was lucky maybe my scars would disappear and I would feel safe again. Faster and faster; my feet started to burn from spinning on the floor for so long. Mustering up my strength I stopped suddenly and tore my hands away from my eyes.

My walls were still orange. Nothing in me had shrunk, disappeared or reappeared. I was still 16, still lost, still confused, still hurt, and still desperate for something.

Something safe, secure, and familiar.

I closed my eyes tight and shook my head violently hoping for a different result.

Everything remained as it was before.

Nothing could change it, no games or wishes.

My world, crashed.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Do more than survive...Let's live like we're alive.

God has been trying to get something across to me lately, I've realized. I'm very excited about this, but also very terrified. Let me explain.

I am a very opinionated person. I am very loud, outspoken, blunt, sarcastic, and stubborn.

Yet the question of who I am is one that I have never been able to truly answer. If I ever did manage to produce an answer, it was someone else's me. Somebody else's Eliza Ray. Or at least, the Eliza Ray Jarvis I thought they wanted.

I have always based my identity on who I am closest with at the moment. Who I believe they want to see, to know, to be with. As you can imagine, this has caused me a lot of heart ache and confusion. People don't stick with you, they're not constant, they're not unchanging. Trying to warp yourself to fit perfectly with them is impossible, for multiple reasons. Basically, it's just an awful idea to ever try to do. Because when it's time for that person to leave your life (not to be pessimistic, but let's face it, every relationship has that point), your whole foundation is going to be utterly shattered. You'll be heartbroken, lost, confused, and in unimaginable pain.

Or at least I was.

I've made that mistake over 4 times in my life. I changed who I was for who I was closest to, all the while claiming that I was very much my own person, and I would never change for anyone...Looking back, I think that was just my way of trying to convince myself that I didn't change myself for whoever walked by, when in all actuality I did. Every time those friendships came to an end - no matter what the cause behind it may have been - I was left feeling very much insecure, hurt, confused and lost. Until the next person came along that I started to grow close to.

After a certain point, I had had enough of it. I grew extremely bitter, cynical, and untrusting of others. I decided that the only person who would define me, would be myself. I convinced myself that I didn't want or need anyone other than myself. And I was totally set on this.

I'm sure you can see how ridiculous that is, and just how horrible of a decision that is. Because I wasn't just excluding people, although I thought I was, I was also excluding God. I said no one was going to define me but me...And that meant everyone.

Now, as most human beings are, I was toxic. And locking myself up inside of myself just led to a continuous poisoning of my heart, soul, and mind. I got extremely caught up in various self destructive behaviors, and was spiriling down a very dark and lonely place. But I knew who I was. I knew who and what defined me. Or at least I thought I did. Thanks to God's grace, and really and truly ONLY His grace, I finally realized what I was doing and how I had to get out of that vicious cycle. So I started trying to dig and scrape myself out. Note that I said I was trying to do it. Soon, I gave up on that. I knew I couldn't do that, and that I needed help. So who did I go back to? Other humans. Again. I went back to that same cycle of identifying myself off of other people. I didn't even realize it. I went running to them with my fears, insecurities, anger, everything. And still I felt so lost, so confused, so utterly faceless.

And then suddenly God came and grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the grave I had dug for myself.

Still though, I was unsure, untrusting, and unwilling. I'd grown quite used to my little hole.
But God kept making a point of speaking to me. It reminds me of that feeling you get when your parents keep pressing an issue, and you just desperately want them to drop it and forget it. God kept on popping up everywhere, pressing the issue. But I didn't get annoyed, like I would normally. I got kind of paranoid, and scared, while putting up the farce that I was totally accepting it.

My friend John wrote me a message, and was speaking about how we have to die to ourselves to be alive in Christ. At the opening of Aquire The Fire the message was about diving down as deep as we possibly could go in "God's water", which is what we were made for. Not just swimming in the shallow end, where we could jump in and out as we pleased. But diving in, drowning, in God. Allowing God to bring us to life again, in HIM. The worship was all about surrendering, so we could become who we are in Christ.

Everything lately seems to be revolving around letting go of who I am, dying to myself, surrendering all I have, and becoming who God would have me be. Become who I am in Him. Because that is truly who I am. I'm not just some seventeen year old girl. I am God's daughter. Seriously. I am God's daughter.

That is who I am. He sees me as I am, too. This whole image of "me" just doesn't matter. So I am no longer pretending to accept it. I am still terrified. But I'm not going to just pretend that I'm accepting it. I am accepting it.

I'm trying my hardest to swim to the very bottom. To surrender all of myself, every last aspect. That is what I am made to do.

Because otherwise...I'm no one.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The fool doth think he is wise.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at my sister's house in this amazing chair of hers, slowly rocking back and forth. I almost feel like I'm playing dress up in my mom's clothes. I feel old, important, and wise sitting in her chair. I feel grown up and sophisticated. It's a nice feeling to have.

When I came back from Thailand I was very passionate. I was dedicated and driven to make a difference, to work out my problems so I could go out and help others, serve God, and follow my dream. I'm not exactly sure when, or what happened, but very suddenly I was consumed by myself again. I've realized something, and am by no means happy our proud of it, but it's true, regardless of how much I may resent it.

I am extremely selfish and self focused. Extremely.

I allowed situations I've been struggling with to just consume my entire life and thought process. My focus was no longer on helping the Burmese people, on serving God, or making a difference. My focus was entirely on myself. On how miserable I was, how unhappy I felt with myself, and what things I could sneak to make me feel better. I made excuses as to why I wasn't doing much anymore to get more help and supplies, why I wasn't trying to get better, why I wasn't working as hard, why I wasn't as happy. I said I was busy with school, I was just tired, I couldn't really do anything more until school slowed down, or until I got back from vacation next weekend. Pathetic lies, but I didn't care. Anything to get my privacy, to be left alone, to further my selfishness. While being busy with school was actually honest, none of my reasons were really as bad or as big as I made them sound. Any true problem I was having was only because I was hiding deeper and deeper within myself. I quite honestly decided that it was okay for me to keep living doing these things that separate me from God, that take up all of my focus, my energy, my entire life. Because it was worth it. Because I would only let it continue for a little while longer, until I felt satisfied and "ready" to move on. I decided this fully knowing that there would be no point where I would feel ready if I let it continue.

I decided that I knew better than God. I decided my plan was better than His. I decided that I would do better doing things my way. Those things aren't that new to me, though. The thing that kills me, that I'm really ashamed of, is that I decided that I was more important than His children. I decided that my happiness was more important than them, more important than their health, their needs. I decided. I decided that my wants were somehow above their needs. What was I thinking? Who am I to say that? Who am I to make those kinds of decisions? This life isn't my own, I am not in control, and I am no one important. I honestly feel the need to apologize to so many people for being so selfish. To the refugees and IDPs, for putting off getting them items to help them. To my friends, for lying to them. To those that I've talked about making packs to, for making it seem like I've been spending all of my time on putting things together, when I haven't. Not even close. And most importantly to God. I am so little and stupid compared to Him, and yet I always make this mistake of thinking that I know better and can run things better than He can.

I am so indescribably furious and disgusted with myself about this. I've wasted so much time and energy. Doing what? Focusing on myself. Trying to make myself feel better. Because I felt that it was more important. What kind of sick, self righteous person does that?

I'm sorry this isn't a particularly thought provoking or interesting post after I only wrote one post and that was a month ago, but I really wanted to get this off my chest. I feel like if I were to write about anything without being honest about what kind of person I am, especially with how awful I've behaved this past month, I would be deceiving anyone who read this.

I decided that as much as I may truly feel miserable, as much as I may be struggling with things in my life right now, it doesn't matter. Because that is so incredibly insignificant to the big picture, and to His plan. So I'm going to keep pushing. I'm going to push past any struggles and pain. Because I know that any problems that I have from this, God is going to use for good, and make everything work so awesomely. And I also know that because He is so awesome and gracious, He's also going to use it to make me a stronger person. How great is that? I actually get a second chance. It's kind of insane how gracious and forgiving God is, because let me tell you. If someone told me that they were more important than my nieces and nephews, there would be no second chance for them. There would be no accepting love and forgiveness. Which is obviously something I need to work on too, but it just amazes me how awesome God is sometimes when I'm such a wretch.

So to whoever is reading this, please forgive me for how selfish I've been. I really feel like I've been extremely deceiving on top of just being very selfish, which makes me feel even worse. I hope that I haven't hurt you or misled you in anyway, but if I have, I am truly sorry. Also, I would really appreciate prayer because I know already that this is going to be hard, because by nature I'm a very selfish and very weak person when it comes to something I want.

Thanks for taking the time to read through my crazy thoughts.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The beginning is a very good place to start.

I've considered what to first write in this little blog of mine for a while. Every once in a while an idea will hit me, I'll consider it, mull it over, and think about how I would start and follow through with it. Then I toss it aside, thinking it's either too personal, not important or not "deep" enough. To me, my ideas are too insignificant, my words too simplistic and my thoughts far too common.

Sharing myself with people is not really my strong point. I'll gladly share what pieces of me I think they want, or the pieces I think they would like. Hardly ever will I share the full me. The complete puzzle of Eliza Ray Jarvis is too messy, too complex but disgustingly simple...too....ugly. As far as I'm concerned, at least. Recently I've started to branch out, to become more daring, and actually let people in on extra bits and pieces here and there. For someone to actually know all of me, though...That's something a little too scary. Why? Well, after a few talks with Mr. G, my sister, and some time alone with myself I've realized it really all boils down to one thing:


Now, trust is something that I had considered myself to have come along in leaps and bounds in in recent years. I thought I had that whole issue far behind me, for the most part. I have close friends now, friends who actually do know the "real" me. (However I can promise you that it is not because of my own doing, all the credit for our relationships still existing has to go to them.) I really thought I was doing well in that area. But to be honest, I'm not. I'm just as bad as I was in previous years, if not worse since I actually fooled myself into thinking I was better. I realized last night that I do not truly trust anyone. I don't trust my family, I don't trust my friends, I don't trust myself, and worst of all, the one that bothers me the very most: I don't even trust God. If I can't trust God, the only one who actually really does know me, the only one who truly loves me no matter what, the only one who already knows every single last detail about my life from beginning to end and still not only adores me but wants to actually become closer with me, then how on earth do I ever expect myself to be able to move out of this little bubble I've made for myself and move ON with my life?

The only answer that keeps coming back to me is that I can't. At first I thought (more like hoped) that was just me being pessimistic. That there had to be some way I would be able to. But much to my dismay, it really is true. I can't move on, I can't go further, I can't do the things I know I want to do and I believe with all my heart I'm called to do until I trust Him. Even with knowing this, I still just want to pull back even more in typical Eliza fashion. I haven't trusted a single thing God has given me. I don't trust that the body He's given me is good enough. I don't trust that the friends He's put into my life are going to bless and not hurt me, accept and not reject me. I don't trust that His will for my life is going to end up playing out the way is really "best" (as far as my small little head can comprehend what's best to be, that is). I don't trust that what He has for me, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, is going to be best. Who am I to really question that? I mean, honestly. I know that this isn't a new train of thought or anything, but who am I to question what God has given me? And not only do I question it, I try to change it. I abuse it. I take it for granted. I try to discard it. And then, to top it all off, I complain about it.

There are specific areas of my life that I know for a fact I have to resolve before I can be of any real and true use to God. He's even started to hint at how I need to go about resolving them, too. Normally I would just think that it was my imagination just kind of running wild like it tends to every once in a while, but the direction that He's pushing me towards requires a lot of trust. A lot. Much more than just writing in a little blogspot for my sister and a few friends to read, and hoping they won't think I'm a little over the edge. Even as I'm writing this I feel like I should just scrap it, because once I hit that post button, I know that I'll actually have to continue working on this area. And it's like a mental tug of war with me. I want to trust, but I don't. If I trust, it means handing over a large amount of things in my life that I've clung to for a very long time. Things that I'm really not sure if I even want to hand over, much less any time in the near future. So I guess in a way, putting this out there will be a start to me working on trust, working on those areas of my life.

I want to close this with me apologizing for making this so long, and begging and pleading for whoever it is reading this not to think I'm some psychotic teenager, and to just disregard it completely. Because that's just what I do. I apologize, and beg not to be thought of as a lunatic. But I'm not going to. If you've even actually REALLY read through all of my ramblings...Then, well...Kudos.

No apologies.

Monday, February 4, 2008


So I decided to start a blog, for a few reasons. The main reason being I had a talk with Katie yesterday and she suggested getting together information and writing about what I want people to know about, things I care about, things I want to change. (The specific topic she was talking about however, was Burma) I thought that sounded like a good solid idea. So, here I go.

I probably won't give this out to too many people until I get more comfortable with the idea of it. I'm one of those odd people who never shuts up, but at the same time I really don't want people knowing how I really feel or think about things that are important to me...Which is great considering the major and career I want to have, haha.

Now, for the URL and the title...Both of which sound ridiculously emo. The URL comes from a song by The Classic Crime, called Who Needs Air.

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don’t need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
Because when you’ve got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything.

So, yeah. I just like the message of the song.

And for the title...Honestly I'm not really sure exactly where it came from? I'm just odd, I suppose. Haha. Please don't hold it against me.

I'm planning on posting later tonight, but I just wanted to put at least those tidbits of information in here until then.