Sunday, March 9, 2008

The fool doth think he is wise.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at my sister's house in this amazing chair of hers, slowly rocking back and forth. I almost feel like I'm playing dress up in my mom's clothes. I feel old, important, and wise sitting in her chair. I feel grown up and sophisticated. It's a nice feeling to have.

When I came back from Thailand I was very passionate. I was dedicated and driven to make a difference, to work out my problems so I could go out and help others, serve God, and follow my dream. I'm not exactly sure when, or what happened, but very suddenly I was consumed by myself again. I've realized something, and am by no means happy our proud of it, but it's true, regardless of how much I may resent it.

I am extremely selfish and self focused. Extremely.

I allowed situations I've been struggling with to just consume my entire life and thought process. My focus was no longer on helping the Burmese people, on serving God, or making a difference. My focus was entirely on myself. On how miserable I was, how unhappy I felt with myself, and what things I could sneak to make me feel better. I made excuses as to why I wasn't doing much anymore to get more help and supplies, why I wasn't trying to get better, why I wasn't working as hard, why I wasn't as happy. I said I was busy with school, I was just tired, I couldn't really do anything more until school slowed down, or until I got back from vacation next weekend. Pathetic lies, but I didn't care. Anything to get my privacy, to be left alone, to further my selfishness. While being busy with school was actually honest, none of my reasons were really as bad or as big as I made them sound. Any true problem I was having was only because I was hiding deeper and deeper within myself. I quite honestly decided that it was okay for me to keep living doing these things that separate me from God, that take up all of my focus, my energy, my entire life. Because it was worth it. Because I would only let it continue for a little while longer, until I felt satisfied and "ready" to move on. I decided this fully knowing that there would be no point where I would feel ready if I let it continue.

I decided that I knew better than God. I decided my plan was better than His. I decided that I would do better doing things my way. Those things aren't that new to me, though. The thing that kills me, that I'm really ashamed of, is that I decided that I was more important than His children. I decided that my happiness was more important than them, more important than their health, their needs. I decided. I decided that my wants were somehow above their needs. What was I thinking? Who am I to say that? Who am I to make those kinds of decisions? This life isn't my own, I am not in control, and I am no one important. I honestly feel the need to apologize to so many people for being so selfish. To the refugees and IDPs, for putting off getting them items to help them. To my friends, for lying to them. To those that I've talked about making packs to, for making it seem like I've been spending all of my time on putting things together, when I haven't. Not even close. And most importantly to God. I am so little and stupid compared to Him, and yet I always make this mistake of thinking that I know better and can run things better than He can.

I am so indescribably furious and disgusted with myself about this. I've wasted so much time and energy. Doing what? Focusing on myself. Trying to make myself feel better. Because I felt that it was more important. What kind of sick, self righteous person does that?

I'm sorry this isn't a particularly thought provoking or interesting post after I only wrote one post and that was a month ago, but I really wanted to get this off my chest. I feel like if I were to write about anything without being honest about what kind of person I am, especially with how awful I've behaved this past month, I would be deceiving anyone who read this.

I decided that as much as I may truly feel miserable, as much as I may be struggling with things in my life right now, it doesn't matter. Because that is so incredibly insignificant to the big picture, and to His plan. So I'm going to keep pushing. I'm going to push past any struggles and pain. Because I know that any problems that I have from this, God is going to use for good, and make everything work so awesomely. And I also know that because He is so awesome and gracious, He's also going to use it to make me a stronger person. How great is that? I actually get a second chance. It's kind of insane how gracious and forgiving God is, because let me tell you. If someone told me that they were more important than my nieces and nephews, there would be no second chance for them. There would be no accepting love and forgiveness. Which is obviously something I need to work on too, but it just amazes me how awesome God is sometimes when I'm such a wretch.

So to whoever is reading this, please forgive me for how selfish I've been. I really feel like I've been extremely deceiving on top of just being very selfish, which makes me feel even worse. I hope that I haven't hurt you or misled you in anyway, but if I have, I am truly sorry. Also, I would really appreciate prayer because I know already that this is going to be hard, because by nature I'm a very selfish and very weak person when it comes to something I want.

Thanks for taking the time to read through my crazy thoughts.