Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The beginning is a very good place to start.

I've considered what to first write in this little blog of mine for a while. Every once in a while an idea will hit me, I'll consider it, mull it over, and think about how I would start and follow through with it. Then I toss it aside, thinking it's either too personal, not important or not "deep" enough. To me, my ideas are too insignificant, my words too simplistic and my thoughts far too common.

Sharing myself with people is not really my strong point. I'll gladly share what pieces of me I think they want, or the pieces I think they would like. Hardly ever will I share the full me. The complete puzzle of Eliza Ray Jarvis is too messy, too complex but disgustingly simple...too....ugly. As far as I'm concerned, at least. Recently I've started to branch out, to become more daring, and actually let people in on extra bits and pieces here and there. For someone to actually know all of me, though...That's something a little too scary. Why? Well, after a few talks with Mr. G, my sister, and some time alone with myself I've realized it really all boils down to one thing:


Now, trust is something that I had considered myself to have come along in leaps and bounds in in recent years. I thought I had that whole issue far behind me, for the most part. I have close friends now, friends who actually do know the "real" me. (However I can promise you that it is not because of my own doing, all the credit for our relationships still existing has to go to them.) I really thought I was doing well in that area. But to be honest, I'm not. I'm just as bad as I was in previous years, if not worse since I actually fooled myself into thinking I was better. I realized last night that I do not truly trust anyone. I don't trust my family, I don't trust my friends, I don't trust myself, and worst of all, the one that bothers me the very most: I don't even trust God. If I can't trust God, the only one who actually really does know me, the only one who truly loves me no matter what, the only one who already knows every single last detail about my life from beginning to end and still not only adores me but wants to actually become closer with me, then how on earth do I ever expect myself to be able to move out of this little bubble I've made for myself and move ON with my life?

The only answer that keeps coming back to me is that I can't. At first I thought (more like hoped) that was just me being pessimistic. That there had to be some way I would be able to. But much to my dismay, it really is true. I can't move on, I can't go further, I can't do the things I know I want to do and I believe with all my heart I'm called to do until I trust Him. Even with knowing this, I still just want to pull back even more in typical Eliza fashion. I haven't trusted a single thing God has given me. I don't trust that the body He's given me is good enough. I don't trust that the friends He's put into my life are going to bless and not hurt me, accept and not reject me. I don't trust that His will for my life is going to end up playing out the way is really "best" (as far as my small little head can comprehend what's best to be, that is). I don't trust that what He has for me, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, is going to be best. Who am I to really question that? I mean, honestly. I know that this isn't a new train of thought or anything, but who am I to question what God has given me? And not only do I question it, I try to change it. I abuse it. I take it for granted. I try to discard it. And then, to top it all off, I complain about it.

There are specific areas of my life that I know for a fact I have to resolve before I can be of any real and true use to God. He's even started to hint at how I need to go about resolving them, too. Normally I would just think that it was my imagination just kind of running wild like it tends to every once in a while, but the direction that He's pushing me towards requires a lot of trust. A lot. Much more than just writing in a little blogspot for my sister and a few friends to read, and hoping they won't think I'm a little over the edge. Even as I'm writing this I feel like I should just scrap it, because once I hit that post button, I know that I'll actually have to continue working on this area. And it's like a mental tug of war with me. I want to trust, but I don't. If I trust, it means handing over a large amount of things in my life that I've clung to for a very long time. Things that I'm really not sure if I even want to hand over, much less any time in the near future. So I guess in a way, putting this out there will be a start to me working on trust, working on those areas of my life.

I want to close this with me apologizing for making this so long, and begging and pleading for whoever it is reading this not to think I'm some psychotic teenager, and to just disregard it completely. Because that's just what I do. I apologize, and beg not to be thought of as a lunatic. But I'm not going to. If you've even actually REALLY read through all of my ramblings...Then, well...Kudos.

No apologies.

Monday, February 4, 2008


So I decided to start a blog, for a few reasons. The main reason being I had a talk with Katie yesterday and she suggested getting together information and writing about what I want people to know about, things I care about, things I want to change. (The specific topic she was talking about however, was Burma) I thought that sounded like a good solid idea. So, here I go.

I probably won't give this out to too many people until I get more comfortable with the idea of it. I'm one of those odd people who never shuts up, but at the same time I really don't want people knowing how I really feel or think about things that are important to me...Which is great considering the major and career I want to have, haha.

Now, for the URL and the title...Both of which sound ridiculously emo. The URL comes from a song by The Classic Crime, called Who Needs Air.

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don’t need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
Because when you’ve got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything.

So, yeah. I just like the message of the song.

And for the title...Honestly I'm not really sure exactly where it came from? I'm just odd, I suppose. Haha. Please don't hold it against me.

I'm planning on posting later tonight, but I just wanted to put at least those tidbits of information in here until then.