Thursday, July 3, 2008

I am still running.

I would be lying blatantly to you if I told you I've been doing well these past few months.

I've been putting myself first, and God last. I came to a point where I seriously questioned why I was still fighting and pushing forward. What the point of it was, if it would really make a difference, if I really wanted to even bother.

As I was telling a friend this they told me that I needed to decide. I can't keep wobbling back and forth. I need to make the choice every single day. I need to realize what it is in life that I'm here for, what it is in life that I want, what that risks, what that takes away, what that gives me, etc. At first I struggled with that, because I really still am not sure what I'm really here for or what I want out of life. But I understood what the basic premise of it. So I decided to keep on stumbling around, in hopes that I would eventually figure it out.

I was babysitting for my sister recently after that talk and suddenly for no apparent reason as I was in the kitchen getting some snacks for the kids I literally collapsed into tears. They were all happily oblivious as they watched Scooby Doo (sorry Katie!) in the living room, as their aunt--who was supposed to be taking care of them--was curled up in a ball in front of the refrigerator bawling for no reason. Nora eventually grew impatient and came to see what on earth was taking me so long to get her yogurt. When she saw me her face immediately changed from irritated to sympathetic. "What's wrong?" I laughed, sniffed, and said "I don't know princess. I just don't know." She sat down by my feet and placed her hand on my ankle and tried to comfort me. I felt ridiculous and childish, and hated that my niece saw me like that. I hated that I couldn't keep a solid grip on myself in front of the kids. I wanted desperately to be the strong, happy, fun aunt. Not the aunt who breaks down periodically for no real apparent reason.

That situation really just kind of summed up how I've been feeling internally for so long. I've felt too weak to hold myself up. I've wanted to cry so many times and yet surprisingly hardly have. I've been weak, tired, sad, and lonely. And I just continually asked myself what was I doing it for? What was I continuing with all of these struggles in my life for? I realize now that it's a horribly selfish question, but at the time it was one that I couldn't get out of my head.

A few days after all of that, I was going through some photos from Peru and Thailand.

"Do it for them." I heard it in my heart with every picture of the villagers and children that I looked through. Then I came to a picture of my niece and myself. "Do it for her." My entire heart just ached, like it does now. Tears were stinging my eyes, like they are now. It literally pains me that I've been this selfish. That I actually have questioned God's purpose for putting me here.

I'm so happy to say that I'm no longer questioning it.

I'm simply doing it.

I'm doing it for them: