Do more than survive...Let's live like we're alive.

God has been trying to get something across to me lately, I've realized. I'm very excited about this, but also very terrified. Let me explain.

I am a very opinionated person. I am very loud, outspoken, blunt, sarcastic, and stubborn.

Yet the question of who I am is one that I have never been able to truly answer. If I ever did manage to produce an answer, it was someone else's me. Somebody else's Eliza Ray. Or at least, the Eliza Ray Jarvis I thought they wanted.

I have always based my identity on who I am closest with at the moment. Who I believe they want to see, to know, to be with. As you can imagine, this has caused me a lot of heart ache and confusion. People don't stick with you, they're not constant, they're not unchanging. Trying to warp yourself to fit perfectly with them is impossible, for multiple reasons. Basically, it's just an awful idea to ever try to do. Because when it's time for that person to leave your life (not to be pessimistic, but let's face it, every relationship has that point), your whole foundation is going to be utterly shattered. You'll be heartbroken, lost, confused, and in unimaginable pain.

Or at least I was.

I've made that mistake over 4 times in my life. I changed who I was for who I was closest to, all the while claiming that I was very much my own person, and I would never change for anyone...Looking back, I think that was just my way of trying to convince myself that I didn't change myself for whoever walked by, when in all actuality I did. Every time those friendships came to an end - no matter what the cause behind it may have been - I was left feeling very much insecure, hurt, confused and lost. Until the next person came along that I started to grow close to.

After a certain point, I had had enough of it. I grew extremely bitter, cynical, and untrusting of others. I decided that the only person who would define me, would be myself. I convinced myself that I didn't want or need anyone other than myself. And I was totally set on this.

I'm sure you can see how ridiculous that is, and just how horrible of a decision that is. Because I wasn't just excluding people, although I thought I was, I was also excluding God. I said no one was going to define me but me...And that meant everyone.

Now, as most human beings are, I was toxic. And locking myself up inside of myself just led to a continuous poisoning of my heart, soul, and mind. I got extremely caught up in various self destructive behaviors, and was spiriling down a very dark and lonely place. But I knew who I was. I knew who and what defined me. Or at least I thought I did. Thanks to God's grace, and really and truly ONLY His grace, I finally realized what I was doing and how I had to get out of that vicious cycle. So I started trying to dig and scrape myself out. Note that I said I was trying to do it. Soon, I gave up on that. I knew I couldn't do that, and that I needed help. So who did I go back to? Other humans. Again. I went back to that same cycle of identifying myself off of other people. I didn't even realize it. I went running to them with my fears, insecurities, anger, everything. And still I felt so lost, so confused, so utterly faceless.

And then suddenly God came and grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the grave I had dug for myself.

Still though, I was unsure, untrusting, and unwilling. I'd grown quite used to my little hole.
But God kept making a point of speaking to me. It reminds me of that feeling you get when your parents keep pressing an issue, and you just desperately want them to drop it and forget it. God kept on popping up everywhere, pressing the issue. But I didn't get annoyed, like I would normally. I got kind of paranoid, and scared, while putting up the farce that I was totally accepting it.

My friend John wrote me a message, and was speaking about how we have to die to ourselves to be alive in Christ. At the opening of Aquire The Fire the message was about diving down as deep as we possibly could go in "God's water", which is what we were made for. Not just swimming in the shallow end, where we could jump in and out as we pleased. But diving in, drowning, in God. Allowing God to bring us to life again, in HIM. The worship was all about surrendering, so we could become who we are in Christ.

Everything lately seems to be revolving around letting go of who I am, dying to myself, surrendering all I have, and becoming who God would have me be. Become who I am in Him. Because that is truly who I am. I'm not just some seventeen year old girl. I am God's daughter. Seriously. I am God's daughter.

That is who I am. He sees me as I am, too. This whole image of "me"...it just doesn't matter. So I am no longer pretending to accept it. I am still terrified. But I'm not going to just pretend that I'm accepting it. I am accepting it.

I'm trying my hardest to swim to the very bottom. To surrender all of myself, every last aspect. That is what I am made to do.

Because otherwise...I'm no one.

The fool doth think he is wise.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at my sister's house in this amazing chair of hers, slowly rocking back and forth. I almost feel like I'm playing dress up in my mom's clothes. I feel old, important, and wise sitting in her chair. I feel grown up and sophisticated. It's a nice feeling to have.

When I came back from Thailand I was very passionate. I was dedicated and driven to make a difference, to work out my problems so I could go out and help others, serve God, and follow my dream. I'm not exactly sure when, or what happened, but very suddenly I was consumed by myself again. I've realized something, and am by no means happy our proud of it, but it's true, regardless of how much I may resent it.

I am extremely selfish and self focused. Extremely.

I allowed situations I've been struggling with to just consume my entire life and thought process. My focus was no longer on helping the Burmese people, on serving God, or making a difference. My focus was entirely on myself. On how miserable I was, how unhappy I felt with myself, and what things I could sneak to make me feel better. I made excuses as to why I wasn't doing much anymore to get more help and supplies, why I wasn't trying to get better, why I wasn't working as hard, why I wasn't as happy. I said I was busy with school, I was just tired, I couldn't really do anything more until school slowed down, or until I got back from vacation next weekend. Pathetic lies, but I didn't care. Anything to get my privacy, to be left alone, to further my selfishness. While being busy with school was actually honest, none of my reasons were really as bad or as big as I made them sound. Any true problem I was having was only because I was hiding deeper and deeper within myself. I quite honestly decided that it was okay for me to keep living doing these things that separate me from God, that take up all of my focus, my energy, my entire life. Because it was worth it. Because I would only let it continue for a little while longer, until I felt satisfied and "ready" to move on. I decided this fully knowing that there would be no point where I would feel ready if I let it continue.

I decided that I knew better than God. I decided my plan was better than His. I decided that I would do better doing things my way. Those things aren't that new to me, though. The thing that kills me, that I'm really ashamed of, is that I decided that I was more important than His children. I decided that my happiness was more important than them, more important than their health, their needs. I decided. I decided that my wants were somehow above their needs. What was I thinking? Who am I to say that? Who am I to make those kinds of decisions? This life isn't my own, I am not in control, and I am no one important. I honestly feel the need to apologize to so many people for being so selfish. To the refugees and IDPs, for putting off getting them items to help them. To my friends, for lying to them. To those that I've talked about making packs to, for making it seem like I've been spending all of my time on putting things together, when I haven't. Not even close. And most importantly to God. I am so little and stupid compared to Him, and yet I always make this mistake of thinking that I know better and can run things better than He can.

I am so indescribably furious and disgusted with myself about this. I've wasted so much time and energy. Doing what? Focusing on myself. Trying to make myself feel better. Because I felt that it was more important. What kind of sick, self righteous person does that?

I'm sorry this isn't a particularly thought provoking or interesting post after I only wrote one post and that was a month ago, but I really wanted to get this off my chest. I feel like if I were to write about anything without being honest about what kind of person I am, especially with how awful I've behaved this past month, I would be deceiving anyone who read this.

I decided that as much as I may truly feel miserable, as much as I may be struggling with things in my life right now, it doesn't matter. Because that is so incredibly insignificant to the big picture, and to His plan. So I'm going to keep pushing. I'm going to push past any struggles and pain. Because I know that any problems that I have from this, God is going to use for good, and make everything work so awesomely. And I also know that because He is so awesome and gracious, He's also going to use it to make me a stronger person. How great is that? I actually get a second chance. It's kind of insane how gracious and forgiving God is, because let me tell you. If someone told me that they were more important than my nieces and nephews, there would be no second chance for them. There would be no accepting love and forgiveness. Which is obviously something I need to work on too, but it just amazes me how awesome God is sometimes when I'm such a wretch.

So to whoever is reading this, please forgive me for how selfish I've been. I really feel like I've been extremely deceiving on top of just being very selfish, which makes me feel even worse. I hope that I haven't hurt you or misled you in anyway, but if I have, I am truly sorry. Also, I would really appreciate prayer because I know already that this is going to be hard, because by nature I'm a very selfish and very weak person when it comes to something I want.

Thanks for taking the time to read through my crazy thoughts.

The beginning is a very good place to start.

I've considered what to first write in this little blog of mine for a while. Every once in a while an idea will hit me, I'll consider it, mull it over, and think about how I would start and follow through with it. Then I toss it aside, thinking it's either too personal, not important or not "deep" enough. To me, my ideas are too insignificant, my words too simplistic and my thoughts far too common.

Sharing myself with people is not really my strong point. I'll gladly share what pieces of me I think they want, or the pieces I think they would like. Hardly ever will I share the full me. The complete puzzle of Eliza Ray Jarvis is too messy, too complex but disgustingly simple...too....ugly. As far as I'm concerned, at least. Recently I've started to branch out, to become more daring, and actually let people in on extra bits and pieces here and there. For someone to actually know all of me, though...That's something a little too scary. Why? Well, after a few talks with Mr. G, my sister, and some time alone with myself I've realized it really all boils down to one thing:

Trust.

Now, trust is something that I had considered myself to have come along in leaps and bounds in in recent years. I thought I had that whole issue far behind me, for the most part. I have close friends now, friends who actually do know the "real" me. (However I can promise you that it is not because of my own doing, all the credit for our relationships still existing has to go to them.) I really thought I was doing well in that area. But to be honest, I'm not. I'm just as bad as I was in previous years, if not worse since I actually fooled myself into thinking I was better. I realized last night that I do not truly trust anyone. I don't trust my family, I don't trust my friends, I don't trust myself, and worst of all, the one that bothers me the very most: I don't even trust God. If I can't trust God, the only one who actually really does know me, the only one who truly loves me no matter what, the only one who already knows every single last detail about my life from beginning to end and still not only adores me but wants to actually become closer with me, then how on earth do I ever expect myself to be able to move out of this little bubble I've made for myself and move ON with my life?

The only answer that keeps coming back to me is that I can't. At first I thought (more like hoped) that was just me being pessimistic. That there had to be some way I would be able to. But much to my dismay, it really is true. I can't move on, I can't go further, I can't do the things I know I want to do and I believe with all my heart I'm called to do until I trust Him. Even with knowing this, I still just want to pull back even more in typical Eliza fashion. I haven't trusted a single thing God has given me. I don't trust that the body He's given me is good enough. I don't trust that the friends He's put into my life are going to bless and not hurt me, accept and not reject me. I don't trust that His will for my life is going to end up playing out the way is really "best" (as far as my small little head can comprehend what's best to be, that is). I don't trust that what He has for me, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, is going to be best. Who am I to really question that? I mean, honestly. I know that this isn't a new train of thought or anything, but who am I to question what God has given me? And not only do I question it, I try to change it. I abuse it. I take it for granted. I try to discard it. And then, to top it all off, I complain about it.

There are specific areas of my life that I know for a fact I have to resolve before I can be of any real and true use to God. He's even started to hint at how I need to go about resolving them, too. Normally I would just think that it was my imagination just kind of running wild like it tends to every once in a while, but the direction that He's pushing me towards requires a lot of trust. A lot. Much more than just writing in a little blogspot for my sister and a few friends to read, and hoping they won't think I'm a little over the edge. Even as I'm writing this I feel like I should just scrap it, because once I hit that post button, I know that I'll actually have to continue working on this area. And it's like a mental tug of war with me. I want to trust, but I don't. If I trust, it means handing over a large amount of things in my life that I've clung to for a very long time. Things that I'm really not sure if I even want to hand over, much less any time in the near future. So I guess in a way, putting this out there will be a start to me working on trust, working on those areas of my life.

I want to close this with me apologizing for making this so long, and begging and pleading for whoever it is reading this not to think I'm some psychotic teenager, and to just disregard it completely. Because that's just what I do. I apologize, and beg not to be thought of as a lunatic. But I'm not going to. If you've even actually REALLY read through all of my ramblings...Then, well...Kudos.

No apologies.

Explanation

So I decided to start a blog, for a few reasons. The main reason being I had a talk with Katie yesterday and she suggested getting together information and writing about what I want people to know about, things I care about, things I want to change. (The specific topic she was talking about however, was Burma) I thought that sounded like a good solid idea. So, here I go.

I probably won't give this out to too many people until I get more comfortable with the idea of it. I'm one of those odd people who never shuts up, but at the same time I really don't want people knowing how I really feel or think about things that are important to me...Which is great considering the major and career I want to have, haha.

Now, for the URL and the title...Both of which sound ridiculously emo. The URL comes from a song by The Classic Crime, called Who Needs Air.


I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don’t need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
Because when you’ve got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything.

So, yeah. I just like the message of the song.

And for the title...Honestly I'm not really sure exactly where it came from? I'm just odd, I suppose. Haha. Please don't hold it against me.

I'm planning on posting later tonight, but I just wanted to put at least those tidbits of information in here until then.