I've considered what to first write in this little blog of mine for a while. Every once in a while an idea will hit me, I'll consider it, mull it over, and think about how I would start and follow through with it. Then I toss it aside, thinking it's either too personal, not important or not "deep" enough. To me, my ideas are too insignificant, my words too simplistic and my thoughts far too common.
Sharing myself with people is not really my strong point. I'll gladly share what pieces of me I think they want, or the pieces I think they would like. Hardly ever will I share the full me. The complete puzzle of Eliza Ray Jarvis is too messy, too complex but disgustingly simple...too....ugly. As far as I'm concerned, at least. Recently I've started to branch out, to become more daring, and actually let people in on extra bits and pieces here and there. For someone to actually know all of me, though...That's something a little too scary. Why? Well, after a few talks with Mr. G, my sister, and some time alone with myself I've realized it really all boils down to one thing:
Trust.
Now, trust is something that I had considered myself to have come along in leaps and bounds in in recent years. I thought I had that whole issue far behind me, for the most part. I have close friends now, friends who actually do know the "real" me. (However I can promise you that it is not because of my own doing, all the credit for our relationships still existing has to go to them.) I really thought I was doing well in that area. But to be honest, I'm not. I'm just as bad as I was in previous years, if not worse since I actually fooled myself into thinking I was better. I realized last night that I do not truly trust anyone. I don't trust my family, I don't trust my friends, I don't trust myself, and worst of all, the one that bothers me the very most: I don't even trust God. If I can't trust God, the only one who actually really does know me, the only one who truly loves me no matter what, the only one who already knows every single last detail about my life from beginning to end and still not only adores me but wants to actually become closer with me, then how on earth do I ever expect myself to be able to move out of this little bubble I've made for myself and move ON with my life?
The only answer that keeps coming back to me is that I can't. At first I thought (more like hoped) that was just me being pessimistic. That there had to be some way I would be able to. But much to my dismay, it really is true. I can't move on, I can't go further, I can't do the things I know I want to do and I believe with all my heart I'm called to do until I trust Him. Even with knowing this, I still just want to pull back even more in typical Eliza fashion. I haven't trusted a single thing God has given me. I don't trust that the body He's given me is good enough. I don't trust that the friends He's put into my life are going to bless and not hurt me, accept and not reject me. I don't trust that His will for my life is going to end up playing out the way is really "best" (as far as my small little head can comprehend what's best to be, that is). I don't trust that what He has for me, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, is going to be best. Who am I to really question that? I mean, honestly. I know that this isn't a new train of thought or anything, but who am I to question what God has given me? And not only do I question it, I try to change it. I abuse it. I take it for granted. I try to discard it. And then, to top it all off, I complain about it.
There are specific areas of my life that I know for a fact I have to resolve before I can be of any real and true use to God. He's even started to hint at how I need to go about resolving them, too. Normally I would just think that it was my imagination just kind of running wild like it tends to every once in a while, but the direction that He's pushing me towards requires a lot of trust. A lot. Much more than just writing in a little blogspot for my sister and a few friends to read, and hoping they won't think I'm a little over the edge. Even as I'm writing this I feel like I should just scrap it, because once I hit that post button, I know that I'll actually have to continue working on this area. And it's like a mental tug of war with me. I want to trust, but I don't. If I trust, it means handing over a large amount of things in my life that I've clung to for a very long time. Things that I'm really not sure if I even want to hand over, much less any time in the near future. So I guess in a way, putting this out there will be a start to me working on trust, working on those areas of my life.
I want to close this with me apologizing for making this so long, and begging and pleading for whoever it is reading this not to think I'm some psychotic teenager, and to just disregard it completely. Because that's just what I do. I apologize, and beg not to be thought of as a lunatic. But I'm not going to. If you've even actually REALLY read through all of my ramblings...Then, well...Kudos.
No apologies.
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4 comments:
I think you've captured with words quite well the inward struggles we all experience with trust. Anyone who says they've never had any must not have any relationships :-)
I think the question you have to ask yourself is.. what makes you think "this little bubble I've made for myself" is any safer? Once you identify that it isn't safer than trusting God I think that you will be ready and able to move on - one step at a time.
Which brings me to another point... you don't accomplish everything in one, incomprehensible leap.. it's step by step. So the first step is just as valid and important as the last step you take in getting there. As well as all the little steps in between. Growth isn't instantaneous.
Well.. I haven't read this because I'm pretty much heading out the door.
But I look forward to it!
& I miss you.
& well... you know the rest.
all my love
I need your e-mail, I have some exciting findings! And I always seem to need to tell you something late at night and then struggle to remember in the morning :-)
Trust is hard stuff, Eliza.
For some more than others.
Usually, for those who have been hurt. Trust is the hardest when we've given it before just to be dissapointed in someone and let down. I know the feeling. I find it hard especially to trust my mom because she has let me down SO MUCH before. Not trusting people is our own way of guarding our hearts. Our way of being independent. Our way of isolating ourselves.
Let me tell you something. God knows. He knows that you struggle with trusting people. He knows you struggle with trusting Him. He looks down at you and knows why you struggle with trust and why you don't put yourself out there.. even to your Creator.
He'll help. He's right next to you when you're withholding yourself from Him. He's watching as you supress the beauty of your heart because you're afraid of what people might do. You don't need to worry about it. It's not your burden to bear. You go on loving Him and He'll bring you to the point where trusting Him is like tying your shoes.
i love you, trust me. ;D
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